Natalie Haviland -X00256-EB526
16756 Chino Corona Rd.
Corona, Ca 92880-9508
Some days I just get through the day like any other day. I don’t feel so much like a prisoner, or feel trapped. Other days, like today, and lately, I truly feel the prison experience. I ache in my soul. I long to go home, where ever that is. I just want out of here. I feel that I don’t belong to any one group. I hate this game of cops and robbers. There are good guys and bad guys, and I am neither. I do not know how to define myself, nor can I establish how I belong in here. It’s been so long now God. Why can’t I go yet? What more must I learn? My soul is conflicted. I have said to this mountain, “mountain move”. I believe in a tribune God. You God are a God of miracles, who can do anything. I’ve trusted that the mountain would move… and yet it stands…
It stands firmly before me, and it remains. Yet not my will but Yours be done. I begged God to let this cup pass from me, yet I drink. I drink the bitter taste of years gone by. I drink as my children grow older, marry, and have children of their own. I drink as friends and associates slip away. I drink as the years steal my youth and vigor, and yet I drink. I swallow it all in the hopes this cup will become empty, yet it remains full.
Although I am beaten, and defeated by this mountain, I remain steadfast in my faith, and so I am never defeated completely. I trust in You,God, to restore the years the locust have eaten away. I trust that You know what’s best for me, and that there are no mistakes. I am here for a reason, a great purpose that God has not explained to me, and that I don’t understand. I do hope however that You will understand that I cannot rejoice in this. I cannot say thank you for bringing me here for so long. I cannot feel gratitude in my heart for losing everything, and everyone. Forgive me for not understanding Your intentions. I am but an ignorant human. I clearly see the razor wire above me and the cops passing by wondering what I am doing. I cannot see what lies ahead. I cannot see the sunlight through the the storm. I cannot see your divine purpose.
I trust You God. I'll take another drink from this cup. I will try not to feel sorry for myself. I'll do my best to not think about all that's gone, all that was, and all this mess. I'll try not to cry, and be of good courage. I'll take it like a “G” and keep on stepping.
Perhaps the mountain will move for me tomorrow, or the next day. Maybe two more drinks, or maybe three, and this cup will be empty. I just can't stop trying, for my very life depends on it. Lord, please give me a peaceful night's sleep tonight. Let me dream of my children, and my children s children. Let me awake refreshed, and ready to take another drink of this cup that did not pass from me yesterday. I will watch this mountain ever present before me, and I will drink again and again, till ever drop is gone. I love You God.
By Natalie (Neco) Haviland
© 2011 Copyright – Natalie (Neco) Haviland