The soul’s reflection is the definition of choices that one makes along the journey of life. Looking back on my journey thus far I can recall several moments where I felt God’s spirit impressed upon me. Words that I could speak perhaps sound eloquent and clever but perform no real identification of the experiences involved. I have felt joy and compassion. I have also felt sorrow and pain. God works in all situations be it good or bad. He holds the keys to revelation and is the only one who offers true salvation.
I am taken back to a time that should have been over whelming with joy but, as it were, it turned out to be a truly dark hour. All things happen for a reason but I was shocked to find out that in the early stages of pregnancy my wife had developed problems while carrying our first child. I had no words of wisdom or comfort that seemed appropriate for the situation at the time. The broken heart that I saw behind her big brown eyes haunts me still to this day. I carry these memories as a reminder that no matter what the situation, God is always at work.
The loss of a child is the very worst thing I have ever experienced. I remember asking God why that happened. He never told me. However as I lay sleeping one night in a dream I saw a beautiful baby girl lying on a colorful blanket. She was a brunette with big brown eyes just like her momma. She looked so happy. Her little face all lit up almost as if she were made from bronze. When I awoke I told my wife about the dream and how I thought that God was showing me something. I wish I could have shown it to her but I think that for her to see the image would have only brought more pain. Instead I told her that I was certain that somewhere in Heaven was a little someone who was keeping a close watch on mom and dad.
Later on a little over a year or so we had decided to try for another baby. The look of concern from my wife was intense and I thought that she was very strong for wanting to go forward with another pregnancy. I prayed every day for a healthy wife and a healthy baby. I would ask God every night as I settled in the bed, if He could provide a healthy baby for us and perhaps a quick delivery. Then in the early stages of the second pregnancy I received a phone call at work and it was to let me know that similar symptoms had occurred with this pregnancy that had shadowed the last one. I went outside so as not to be seen by anyone else. As I looked up to the sky I told God that He did not need to explain anything to me. I knew that whatever happened He was the one with all the power, but I got down in anguished over it. I told Him that she deserved to have that child. I watched her serve Him faithfully even when it hurt and the flavor of worship had become bitter and dry. I wanted badly to catch His attention in hope of receiving a miracle.
He responded with an intense visit to the doctor where time seemed to stand still and our patience was tested. For several weeks toward the end of pregnancy we would attend our doctor’s visits and listen for heartbeats and view ultrasounds. For some reason or other we had not heard the heartbeat for quite some time and we were staring to worry that something was wrong. I still remember the visit to the doctor where we found out what the sex of the baby was. Now we would have been over joyed with anything as long as it was ours but when we heard, “boy!” I saw tears of joy run down my wife’s face. It felt as if we were in the presence a Heavenly Host. Deep down she had wanted a boy and I admit, I was quite the proud poppa.
It has been about five years since we lost our first child. Now with our son getting close to four years old and our daughter turning two, I still stop to think about the one revealed to me in the dream and how for just a brief moment I held her in my hand and how painful it was to lose her. I think about all the abortions that happen every day and I remember that small fetus as it lay in my hand, how even though it didn’t look like much, I could still feel the life that it once held. Perhaps that’s why I had the dream, so I could tell others that even in the beginning there is life and that life is a gift to all creation. Everyone has purpose and destiny. Maybe by sharing this story with you, perhaps the experience will shed light to things too sacred to gamble.
As before, the reflection of the soul can also be found in the testimony of those who endure the raging storms. The true survivors are the ones who when faced with decisions, always make the right ones. It’s not about you or me. It’s about how our choices will affect the world. The Lord will always make a way. It may not be the way you want, but regardless He will provide. I’m only thirty years old and already full of testimonies. I don’t expect the wind to change now. I will continue to move forward until I reach that horizon. Nothing can stop me now I’m headed for higher ground. He knows our hopes and our dreams. He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. He will move both Heaven and Earth if need be but faith without works is dead. So keep moving and don’t give up. You’re going to meet Him along the way.
By Josh Leach